Cullens: At the Zoo!
by yayme2012
Summary: The Cullens want to have a little fun... Emmett gets to see the bears, Alice goes bankrupt in the giftshop, Jasper causes stampedes, and Edward starts slapping a monkey... and you thought he was the sane one!
1. Waking Up

Bella POV:

There was a sharp beeping noise in the room. I heard a muttered curse as Edward got up and turned my alarm in a matter of seconds. He was instantly at my side.

"Did I wake you?" His golden eyes looked concerned.

"No, I'm fine," I yawned and sat up. I almost fell off the bed, but of course, Edward caught me.

"So what did you want to do today?" he said, amused. "Ms. Soon-to-be-Cullen…"

"I can think of a few ways," I whispered, and snuggled closer to him. The weeks after he proposed to me had been bliss.

"Me, too-" he suddenly cut off.

"What's wrong?"

"They're coming."

I raced to conclusions. _They're coming…_ Victoria and her little posse were dead, so that could only mean… the Volturi. I shuddered.

"Whatever they want, I'll protect you," he pulled me closer, defensively.

I prepared for the worst. The door downstairs slammed open. I could only hope that Charlie was already at work.

"Bella? Edward?" The voice seemed friendly, not menacing. It paused. "Guess what?"

Whoever it was rumbled up the stairs, and I could hear others. They burst into the room.

"We're going to the zoo! We're going to the zoo!" Emmett was bouncing up and down like a five year old. He was followed by Alice, Jasper, and Rosalie.

"Oh my god," I was gasping for air. I laughed so hard that I cried. All the vampires stared at me till I stopped.

"I thought you were the Volturi," I said while I recovered.

They all gave me weird looks and laughed too.

Edward mussed my hair. "You truly are one of a kind, Bella."

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"Okay, are we all ready to go?" Alice pulled up to the zoo parking lot. She looked ridiculous driving the humungous Jeep.

"Wait!" I called as they all got out of the car. They sighed and jumped back in. Edward looked at me expectantly.

"Ground rules." They all looked at me.

"Do you not trust us or something?" Rosalie snapped.

"Um, the last time we were out with Emmett, we were banned from nation-wide Wal-marts."

"How was I supposed to know what tampons are?" he muttered. "I didn't know the nice saleslady would be mad when I asked her what size I needed…"

"Point taken," Jasper said, and they all looked at me again. I sighed. This was going to be hard.

"1: No hunting." I waited for all of them to shut up before moving on.

"2: No gift shop until after we see the animals. Don't say anything, Alice. 3: No show of our superpowers. Edward, that means that even if you hear some, erm, unpleasant thoughts from other people, no hitting them. Or gagging."

He gave me a dirty look. "I would never…"

"Oh yes, you would. Alice, can you think of any more?"

Alice grinned evilly. "Emmett, no bears."

"NOOOOOO- owww, Rose, that hurt! PLEASE! Let me see the bears! I live for the bears!" Emmett pleaded with big puppy eyes. "Bears. Bears. Bears! Bears! BEARS! BEARS! **BEARS! BEARS!**"

"Fine, fine, just shut up!" I half-yelled.

"Bears?" he asked hopefully. I nodded. He started his chant again.

"IF you shut up."

"Yay!"

All the Cullens jumped out of the car and started running towards the entrance. _This_ was going to be fun…


	2. Cotton Candy and Cats

A/N- I'm so obsessive that I HAD to write another chapter. Teehee. What will happen at the zoo…

Edward POV

Bella and the rest of my family skipped ahead of me towards the entrance, while I walked behind. I was thinking, again, about our upcoming wedding…

Suddenly, Bella popped up in front of me, pointing wordlessly towards the cotton candy stand out front.

I shook my head. "No way. I've seen what caffeine does to you; sugar is probably only worse. And you haven't even had breakfast."

She leaned in close, and stared up at me with her big brown eyes. "Please, Eddie? I really want it…" she traced her finger down my collarbone. Damn, it was so hard to say no to her.

"Fine," I grumbled. Bella pulled away cheering. And she accused me of dazzling her. And what was this _Eddie_ all about. I walked over to the cotton candy stand and was immediately disgusted by the attendant's thoughts. _Ooh, he's a hottie_, she thought, and I shuddered at her sudden mental pictures. She continued her fantasies as she scooped up the cotton candy and gave me the change. The attendant looked up at me and I knew she was going to ask me for my number.

"Sorry, I have to get back to my _fiancée_," I said rather loudly, not caring who heard. Her eyes widened. _Oops_, she thought, and went back to her monotonous thoughts.

I walked back over to Bella. She grabbed the cotton candy and started eating it.

"What's with calling me Eddie?" I thought out loud.

She pulled me close for the second time today. "I could tell you," she whispered seductively, cradling my face in her small hands. I was mesmerized.

Bella danced away suddenly. She called, "but then I'd have to kill you!"

My eyes must have been wide, because she yelled, "You know you like it!" as she ran towards the entrance. Of course, her being Bella, she tripped, and of course, me being Edward, I caught her.

"Are you alright?" I asked, concerned.

"Yes, sexy Eddie," she murmured deliriously.

Knew I shouldn't have gotten her that cotton candy.

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The family split up at the entrance. Alice and Jasper were headed to the elephants and giraffes, Emmett and Rosalie were of course going to the bears, but Bella and I were undecided. We finally chose to visit the African Animals (lions, mmmmm) and then go see the dolphins.

We strolled through the walkways hand in hand up until we reached the lions. Yes! They had a whole exhibit on mountain lions.

"Go have fun with the big cats, Eddie," she said, distracted by a woman with a baby carriage. Bella loved babies.

I decided to do just that. I would run in the exhibit and poke the lions, then run out before they could see who it was. It wasn't as fun as eating them, but Bella did say no hunting.

I heard her call out. "Eddie! Come see the little cutie!"

I sighed. Bella thought every human baby was a "little cutie". To be quite honest, it was starting to get annoying.

As I got closer to the carriage, I heard sounds no human baby could make. I could think of an explanation, but no way would one be here in a baby carriage!

"NOOOOO!" My suspicions were correct. I ran away as fast as I could, not caring who looked. I had to get away from that evil… thing. I just hoped it wouldn't kill Bella.

Bella's voice rang out from around the corner. "Edwa- oop!" she gasped as she bumped into me. I was curled up into a ball next to a tree. She stared at me long and hard.

"We all have weaknesses," I said softly. "This is mine."

"Edward," she regarded me skeptically, "You're afraid of a cat?"

I nodded weakly. When she said it like that, it sounded so trivial.

"I was lying when I said vampire venom was the only thing that could leave a mark on us," I started carefully. Bella stared wordlessly. "Rather, erm, _angry _cats can inflict pain on us. Specifically, cats being given baths."

She was howling with laughter. After she calmed down, she asked, "Why on earth would you give a cat a bath?"

"Alice had a cat fetish for a while," I stated simply. Enough said. Bella knew what that meant. Makeover time. Every single frickin day, until the cat was eaten by Jasper… or at least she thought it was Jasper. I smiled wickedly in my head. Revenge!

Bella still stood taking it all in. A slow smile broke across her face. "Edward Cullen, you are one of a kind."

A/N: Yeah, I know, sappy ending! And rather short…… But it is not the end, hahaha. Next up: Emmett and the bears… and Edward and the monkey!


	3. Bears and Bras

A/N: Another chappie, cuz I'm just that cool. Sorry it's so late… I've had this sitting around for a week or so, oopsies! I know it's short… kind of a mini chapter.

Rosalie POV

"Rosalie! Rosalie!" I turned my attention to my happily oblivious husband.

"What is it now?" I asked, annoyed. He had stopped me every couple of steps I took, usually saying, "I can't wait to see the bears!" I swear. Come on, he's like 60, you'd think he had a little patience.

"We're at the bear exhibit!" he squealed in excitement.

"No shit, Sherlock," I said, my voice thick with sarcasm, pointing to the enormous "Bears" sign.

"Awww, you're so mean to me," he looked at me sadly, but quickly recovered. "Bears! Bears! Bears! Bears!"

I stopped him before he could get close to the grizzlies. "Don't you even set foot in that exhibit, mister." Emmett gave me a look that said "just try and stop me".

"Let me rephrase: If you eat that poor bear, I will not touch you for… a month." His face fell. "Oh no, I have a better one. You have to wear underwear on your head… for a month…. And refer to yourself in third person as Captain Emmett!"

"Okay, Rose," his face spread into a grin, "I would have done that even if you didn't tell me to!"

What had I gotten myself in to?

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Emmett POV

Yes! It was time for some fun. Rose was glaring at me, so I would have to do this quick. I glanced around, making sure no one was watching.

"Just do it already, Emmett!" Rosalie whispered angrily.

The bears were in a large cage, with some trees, bear toys, and a river in the middle.

I quickly thought of my plan… if it worked it would be hilarious.

I ran into the exhibit and hid in the trees. A grizzly caught my scent and wrinkled its nose. It stepped into the circle of trees, hidden from onlookers.

Wait for it… wait for it… I whipped a bunch of Rosalie's bras out of my backpack (don't ask) and pulled them over its head. It roared in fury. I slapped it and it whimpered.

Another one of the bears looked confused, and went over to the circle of trees dumbly and stood there. It panted in my face, and it slowly began to look scared as it realized that it was the prey. I tied a thong around its head and it ran off.

All the bears surrounded the circle of trees, and walked towards me slowly, growling the whole way. I rolled up my sleeves. This was gonna be fun.

Within a few minutes, all the bears were clothed in lingerie.

"Emmett? Were those my bras?"

"Um, no?" I said hopefully.

"Good." We walked off, her arm around my shoulder.

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Carlisle POV(during Emmett's POV)

I was out on a lovely picnic with Esme. The sun wasn't out, but she still sparkled. We fed some crackers to the ducks as we walked hand in hand.

In the distance, we could barely hear a POW noise and some disgruntled roars. As if reading my mind, Esme asked, "What do you think the kids are doing now?"

What indeed. None of them had said where they were going… hmm. Alice was probably just going to give everyone makeovers or something; I trusted them.

"A duck, dear?" I asked, offering Esme one. "Yum."

Then I heard, "EMMETT! YOU CAN'T GIVE A BEAR A WEDGIE!"

Oh crap.


	4. Shopping, Safari, and Snakes

A/N: You might be wondering, what are Alice and Jasper up to? Ehehehe. Written at midnight, so if it's bad, blame it on insomnia. I'm aware this is only 2 pages long, but whatever… I'm not so good at writing from Alice's POV, because I'm used to writing EdwardxBella fluff, or RosaliexEmmett funnyness. **FYI: Need a beta! For this story and others! PM or review for position.**

Thank you to: AliceMakesMeLaugh for always reviewing my stories! Thank you so much!

Shopping, Safaris, and Snakes

Alice POV

I walked quickly through the zoo; I could tell that I was getting closer. I quickened my pace. What I was waiting for was soon coming. I went faster, and faster, and faster, until-

I burst through the doors of the Zoo Boutique. I scanned the shop. Hmmmm. Stuffed animals, toys, traditional souvenir type stuff, and… a clothing department! Thank the Lord! Hallelujah! And Jasper said I wasn't religious.

I ran quickly to the racks of cheesy t-shirts. I picked out a couple for the boys… a couple dozen. Hey, this was going to be a trip to remember, right? I snagged a little over ten for Bella, and only a couple for me and Rose. Bella needed them much more than we did.

Just as I was checking out, I saw the most amazing thing ever. In the whole world. I turned and charged quickly to the hat rack, with all the funny hats shaped like animal heads. There were alligator hats, zebra hats, bear hats, and- thank god- lion hats. We wouldn't want poor Eddie to miss out, now would we?

I walked back towards the cash register, smiling all the way. The cashier's eyes widened when she saw how much I was carrying.

"Big family," I explained, and she nodded understandingly.

I skipped out of the store, shopping bags in hand. I caught Jasper's scent and skipped towards the reptile house, when I ran into an obnoxious man holding fliers for some "Safari Adventure". Ha. We had much more adventure on our hunting trips. Wait a second; that gave me an idea.

I asked him about the safari and he looked down at me and chuckled.

"Little girl, were you thinking of getting these for your parents?" he asked in a mock concerned voice.

If I was human, I would be red with rage. "No, I was actually thinking of getting these for my _husband_ and I," I snarled in his face.

He snorted. "Even if you did have a husband-" I glared at him. "I doubt you two would be… equipped for this sort of thing," he sneered. I wanted to tell him just how equipped we were, but my common sense silenced me.

I quickly checked his future and grinned evilly. "I would be careful the next time you go on a safari…" I commented, "you might want to watch out for those savannah lions." His eyes bugged out and he stepped away from me. "I see things," I whispered conspiratorially, and tapped my head knowingly. He took another step back. I shrugged and walked away. He already thought I was nuts anyway.

"Hello, Alice." Jasper snuck up behind me. He breathed into my hair as he leaned down to kiss me.

"Have any fun while I was gone?" I asked teasingly, pulling him towards the reptile house.

"Nope," he winked at me, following.

-------

"Alice…" Jasper complained.

"What?"

"It's… staring at me."

"Well then, just growl at it or something."

He issued a deep guttural growl that would have Bella screaming. The serpent didn't even flinch. He stared deeply at it.

"It's not moving…"

"Jasper, it's just a snake, let it go!"

"Something's wrong with it… it's staring at me, but I feel no emotions… it's just an empty, hollow shell…" His eyes looked haunted as he continued to stare at it. I finally took a look at the plaque and snickered too softly for him to hear. As the minutes went by, I couldn't hold my laughter in any longer.

"What's so funny?" Jasper whispered furiously.

"You're… having… a staring… contest…" I managed in between laughs, "…with… a… STATUE!" I rolled over on the floor laughing.

"Oh, shit." His eyes widened. A thought suddenly occurred to him. "Never tell Emmett. Ever."

"Don't worry about it," I said innocently, "but it will be great blackmail!"

I grinned and skipped out of the exhibit.

PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER:

It stared back at me, taunting me. I raised my hand and slapped it. It seemed to laugh at me. I hit it again, and again, and again.

Bella came over and stood beside me. She was silent, at a loss for words.

"Edward?" she asked cautiously, "Are you slapping a monkey?"

"You don't know how dirty monkeys' thoughts are…" I shuddered.


	5. So Sorry

Okay, I know, I haven't updated in a month (months?)

That's because this story is, possibly permanently, on hiatus. I just can't find any motivation or time for it anymore. I will try to finish it- just not soon, so don't expect anything.

However, I am currently writing All Over Again, my new serious fic, and Bad Fanfiction, my most popular parody. So it's not like I've stopped writing or anything. I'm also doing a variety of oneshots.

Again, I'm sorry, but I can't force myself to write this. This was just a fluffy and funny piece to blow off steam, but I have my other two for that. So go read those instead or something.

-yayme2012


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